2. The Last Flight of Doug “The Beak” Berman

 

PSS: Pigeon Security Services

13^th and Third Security Detail

Log Book

April 2008– ________, 2008

 

Incident report

 

Officer Name:           Spanky

Date:                          14 May 2008, Wednesday

Incident Time:           approximately 22:24 EST

Location:                   Apt 2C (second floor, rear)

 

Details of incident:

 

20:00  Officer Spanky, accompanied by Officer Doug “The Beak” Berman completing normal rounds on 20/5/08. As typical of a Wednesday night, officers anticipate majority of residents to be at home early and stay in for evening. Spike in take out observed; seven Chinese deliveries between 19:30 and 20:30, three Indian and two sandwiches by 21:00. Father in Unit 4C enters with large pizza. Officer Berman suspects it is pepperoni with olives. Officers cannot confirm or deny allegations—pizza box in question is open away from window.

 

21:15  Restaurant running slow business, but tables by windows are full. Couple eating eggplant parmesan. Man looks at watch, woman pours more wine. Emma is working, officers anticipate she will leave bread crumbs by 13^th street Bilco doors, as per standard procedure.

 

21:30  Begin 21:30 rounds. 5A drawing at kitchen table. Officer Spanky tries to observe subject, suspects treatment of spaghetti. Officer Berman believes it is alphabet soup. Momentarily squawk at one another, then fly onto next ledge. Couple from 5B dancing to Magnetic Fields, cheek to cheek. 5C reading last week’s New York Magazine on futon. Feature article on restauranteur that enjoys taxidermy. Officer Spanky and Officer Berman agree that it is a sick, sick hobby, but they still enjoy Hitchcock.

21:35  Officers coast down to fourth floor. 4A is unoccupied, new tenant to move in June 1. Officers express relief in change, Old 4A had cats of a menacing variety. 4B watching American Idol in pajamas and yawning. 4C watching Law and Order. It is past young 4C’s bedtime.

 

21:41  Officers drop another floor. 3A is looking at a pornographic website. Officers observed roommate leave the premises very early in the morning last Tuesday with suitcase large enough to carry fifth grader. Officer Berman squints but cannot identify URL. Both of 3B’s residents are absent, observed male at 21:00 leaving building with dirty laundry. Female’s whereabouts unknown, but she kicks pigeons on the street, and as such, has been blacklisted by PSS. Officers move on. 3C, American Idol.

 

21:45  On the second floor 2A is baking cupcakes, 2B is drinking beer and watching basketball. Utah is ahead. 2C is not present. Officers Spanky and Officer Berman pause on her sill. Officers have a brief debate. 2C is the last unit in building, next round of inspections begins at 23:00, most residents accounted for. With nothing better to do, officers decide to await arrival of tenant on building’s northern-facing fire escape.

22:03  Officer Spanky voices concern about 2C’s prolonged absence, citing her work in the morning. Officer clucks that he would be less concerned, but she is from Oklahoma, blonde, and very pretty. Living by herself in the East Village. Officer expresses doubt that anyone is looking out for her, and that he can imagine her lying under a taxicab tire in midtown, wings spread and feathers plastered to the asphalt. Or plucked and hanging in some dark Chinatown alley, being pulverized into chicken dim sum, Officer Berman suggests. Officer Spanky curses out of fear and disgust. Officer Berman suggests alternative possibility, that she is just an independent young woman, who happens to have a good rack. Officers coo in agreement and return their black-eyed gazes to apartment.

22:10 Lights turn on and officers hop onto sill. 2C enters from hallway, accompanied by male, approximately 6’3”, dark brown hair, shaggy, highly stylized cut obscuring eyes and eye color. Strong jaw bone, wide shoulders. Wearing leather coat and dinner shoes. Officer Spanky taps at window. Officer Berman, having been distracted by sight of Ben Franklin on fire escape floor above, returns to attention,

 

Officer Spanky: Look at that.

Officer Berman: Quite an attractive fellow.

Officer Spanky: Indeed.

Officer Berman: Good for her. I like his shoes.

Officer Spanky: Shut up.

Officer Berman: Okay.

Officer Spanky: They are nice. But I wasn’t hatched yesterday, Berman. I got a hunch that fella’s too good to be true.

 

22:11 Officers watch couple move into living room. Suspect removes coat, and offers to take 2C’s jacket. She complies, revealing white button down and black pencil-line skirt. Buttons on shirt undone to third button. String of pearls slip into space between her breasts. Officer Berman whistles.

 

Officer Berman: Wowza! You think she went to work like that?

Officer Spanky: Doubtful. I’d wager a guess that she had a little less breast for her 10:30.

Officer Berman: I don’t know… makes you think some midtown security detail might not be so bad. Don’t you think?

Officer Spanky (distractedly): Yeah, sure.

Officer Berman: I’m just saying, there’s nothing doing around here in the middle of the day, and with all those lady advertisers and the power suits? Eh, Eh? I know you like the editor types.

 

22:12  Officer Berman pokes Officer Spanky in the side. Officer Spanky waves Officer Berman off with his wing.

 

Officer Spanky: Yeah, yeah, sure, Berman. We can talk about it later. Just be quiet now.

 

Officer Berman deflates his feathers and sinks his beak down into his breast.

 

Officer Berman: Sorry chief.

Officer Spanky: It’s okay, kid, but let’s just pay attention. I have a bad feeling about this.

 

22:13 Suspect asks after what officers assume is the location of restroom, because 2C indicates bathroom door. Suspect disappears into water closet. 2C takes off her shoes, a pigeon-killing pair of spike heels, and collapses onto sofa.

 

Officer Spanky: She looks drunk.

Officer Berman: Maybe she is just flushed.

Officer Spanky: Drunk if I’m a day. Hey, would you go check on her gentleman friend?

Officer Berman: Yessir.

 

22:15  Officer Berman flutters from their perch to the next ledge. Bathroom frame is smaller, and the window it surrounds is of frosted glass. 2C leaves window cracked for ventilation. Officer Berman leans down to the opening and peers inside.

 

Officer Berman: Holy guacamole, Spanky, get a load of this!

Officer Spanky: What? What is it?

Officer Berman: He has pills! Lots of pills! He’s opening a bottle of and putting some in his pocket.

 

Officer Spanky rustles his feathers and he flies up to the ledge .

 

Office Berman: My god, Spanky! You don’t think he’s trying to drug that woman, do you!

Officer Spanky: I think he is, Berman, I think he is! Just look! He’s put three pills in his pocket, and he’s hiding the rest away!

Officer Berman: No! We’ve got to do something!

Officer Spanky: I know, Berman.

Officer Berman: But what, Spanky? What?

 

Suspect turns to door of bathroom. Officers Spanky and Berman flutter back to living room.

 

22:18 Bathroom door opens. Suspect emerges. 2C rises, starts walking towards commode. Suspect points at kitchen counter, bottle of wine. 2C nods, and indicates the drawer in which Suspect can find bottle opener. 2C enters bathroom.

 

Officer Spanky: Look at that! He’s pouring her wine! I bet he’s going to slip the pill in while she’s in the bathroom!

Officer Berman: The swine!

 

22:19  Suspect opens wine. Just as officer Berman hypothesized, Suspect removes three small pills from breast pocket and drops them into beverage of left. Swirls.

 

22:20 Officer Spanky’s first attempt at intervention. He flies to bathroom window, and begins tapping beak on frosted glass. Does not get attention of 2C, who is sitting on the toilet with skirt around waist and panties around ankles. She looks at the pipes underneath the sink and thinks the noise is from the old plumbing. She wipes and flushes. Toilet drowns out attempts at tapping.

 

22:22 Officer Spanky flies back to living room windowsill.

 

            Officer Spanky: Dammit, Berman! She didn’t see me!

 

Officer Berman does not take eyes off subject, but leans into Officer Spanky and begins whispering.

 

Officer Berman: Watch the glass in his left hand.

Officer Spanky: Look, he’s handing it to her!

 

22:23  Intervention attempt number two. Officers Spanky and Berman tap furiously at window. 2C does not notice tapping and walks toward counter. Accepts glass, and motions towards couch. Officer Spanky exclaims in frustration.

 

Officer Spanky: Arg! It’s no use!

Officer Berman: What do you mean!

Officer Spanky: She can’t hear us!

Officer Berman: But we’ve got to stop her from drinking that glass!

Officer Spanky: I know, but how?!

 

22:24  Officers Berman is silent for a moment, then puffs out his breast.

 

Officer Berman: There’s only one thing left to do, Spanky. Better fly back. I don’t want to hurt you, too.

Officer Spanky: What are you talking about, Berman? What are you about to do?

 

22:25 Officer Berman flutters away without an answer. Begins third, and final, attempt at intervention. Officer Spanky edges to the far side of the sill, still tapping furiously to get 2C’s attention. Meanwhile, Officer Berman flies west across Third Avenue and goes a half block north. Officer Berman loops around and catches the avenue’s down-wind. Picking up speed, he banks left.

 

            Officer Berman (squawking): Outta my way, Spanks! Get out of the way!

 

Officer Spanky hops off ledge just as Officer Berman makes direct contact with second story window. Pane cracks. Surprised by noise, 2C screams and drops glass on floor. It breaks. Beverage spills onto rug and Suspect’s $500 leather shoes. Suspect curses at 2C. 2C looks at Suspect in disbelief.

 

22:26  2C hurriedly gets paper towel, and starts to clean up broken glass and red wine. Suspect fusses over shoes with dishcloth and says something mean. 2C glowers and points at the window. Suspect does not turn.

 

22:27  2C asks Suspect to go home.

 

22:28  Suspect takes jacket and leaves apartment.

 

22:29 Officer Spanky flies to front stoop and waits for Suspect to exit building. Suspect emerges onto sidewalk and begins to walk briskly south. Officer Spanky takes off. At corner of 3^rd Avenue and East 12^th Street, Officer Spanky shits on Suspect. With wind speed and direction, shit lands directly on forehead.

 

22:31 Officer Spanky calls into PSS dispatch to report incident. The Owl requests he fly in ASAP to file report in bird. Officer Spanky replies that he will, but has something he has to do first. Signs off from dispatch. Officer Spanky coasts to the corner and banks right, looks at the sills along the building’s north side. Officer Spanky shakes his head when he finds the slumped, feathered figure silhouetted on the against the glowing second story window. Coasts to sill, and lays his right wing across the fallen officer.

 

Officer Spanky: You were a good bird, dear Beak. You will be missed.